ugh

being back in the same neighborhood is hard. I'm a football field away. Sometimes i feel as though my heart will break. I'm having a rough time watching/reading my genre of choice which is, of course, sci-fi. watching/reading stuff where people are able to go back in time throws me for a loop. even lifetime has a show where a woman gets to go back and make things alright. and it's not just time travel, ghosts coming back and bringing peace to their loved ones hurts too. even people dreaming of lost ones hurt because i know it isn't possible. i've wasted many nights hoping for something to happen only to be disappointed. it's never going to happen. i just have to keep telling myself that. it'snevergoingtohappen. it'snevergoingtohappen. it'snevergoingtohappen. it'snevergoingtohappen. it'snevergoingtohappen. it'snevergoingtohappen. it'snevergoingtohappen.

it doesnt make my heart hurt less though.

this is absolutely horrible and i cant believe i feel this way about something soooo stupid. One of the big things that i'm so conflicted about is Doctor Who (this truly is embarassing), the second through 4th series of DW stars David Tennant. i'm finding it hard to watch these because he reminds me so much of who i lost. Tall, skinny, and a bit like a golden retriever puppy. there are parts of me that can't wait till the new series starts with Matt Smith because watching Tennant bound around like i can remember J doing so many times feels like my heart is being ripped out. but there are other parts of me that wishes he'd stay forever just so i can feel like J hasn't left completely.

it all sounds so horrible and stupid, i know

thank god

HEARING AIDS! YAAAAAAAY!

i finally found one person who was willing to help me out a little. my audiologist and Phonak are giving me a trial run for the isense micro. After being screwed over by the government (Vocational Rehabilitation) and insurance (they'll cover acupuncture, but not hearing aids?) i am so glad i'm getting a trial for these.

I go back to the audiologist tomorrow to get them. so... 10hrs 29minutes to go.

more later?

welcome?

Considering how much my parents paid to have someone "listen" to me and prescribe anti-depressants after my best friend blew his brains out I figured that blogging would be less expensive and time consuming as more therapy for something people say I should have gotten over years ago (that was the longest sentence EVER).  

So...

I'm a 21 year old kid who lost one of the most important things in her life when she was 13. 

I moved to a new house when I was 11, it had been the second move in less than two years. When I was nine I was uprooted from my home and family and moved nearly across the country to Georgia. After a year and a half my family moved, mid school year, to another part of Georgia. Adjusting was incredibly hard; i was a shy, goofy and extremely nerdy (I still am a nerd, thank you very much) kid and didn't exactly make friends right off the bat. It was hard, incredibly hard... Until I met J.  

oops... It's nearly one.  more later?